Justin Geange's six tips for helping mates open up

Are they really OK? Ask them today.

Do you know how the people in your world are really going? Life's ups and downs happen to all of us. So chances are someone you know might be struggling and your genuine support can make a difference, whatever they are facing, big or small.

We asked Justin Geange for his top conversation tips and how he finds meaningful moments to ask his mates how they're really going.

Stay connected

I am from New Zealand and have had more phone calls and video chats with my family than I could count. It’s so important to stay in contact and keep asking that crucial question, ‘are you OK? ‘Sometimes, after chats, I have been able to reflect on their tone and language and ask myself, ‘are they really OK?’. Just because we might not be able to talk to someone face-to-face, it doesn’t mean we can’t all stay connected.

Meaningful moments

When I was struggling, my boss took me out for coffee time and time again and asked if I was OK. Each time he said those magical words, he gave me a little seed of hope that I was doing OK. If you’re thinking of asking someone the question, find a private, comfortable setting that will help them feel relaxed. Maybe it’s going for a coffee, a smoko on a construction site or a lunch-time stroll. These sort of times are great to pull someone aside and say “come on, let's get out of here and grab a pie down the road”. We as humans do life together side-by-side, we stand stronger together.

Listen to understand

When I told my boss I wasn’t OK I didn’t want him to fix things right then and there. I just wanted someone to hear me, someone to understand as a person with a mental illness and a lived experience of suicide. Two big floppy ears listening to someone, to understand what they’re feeling and experiencing, is so valuable. A phrase that helps me is, “listen to understand, don’t listen to respond.

Who to look out for

The obvious signs someone is struggling won’t always be there, that’s why it’s so important to regularly check in with the people in your world. From my work with Mates in Construction, a lot of people seek support after relationship breakdown, loss of a friend or loved one. Also people under stress at work, losing their jobs and facing financial difficulty. These are the obvious things I look out for if I think someone might be struggling.

Help someone get the help they need

If I am worried about a friend or family member my whole goal is to support them and help however I can. It could be having a yarn with someone they trust, or having a yarn with a health professional. But bottom line is to walk with them. Don't just say, “here’s a number, good luck with that”. Show them you are genuinely there to help them to access the help they need.

Keep checking in and making conversations part of everyday life

I always say if I have a bad pizza, I don't stop eating pizza, I go to a different pizza shop. The check in is so important, because we might link someone up to a support service and it isn’t the right fit. Checking in down the track lets them know you care and if they are still struggling, you can address it together.

R U OK? has  FREE resources to help you feel more confident asking friends and loved ones how they're really going. You can access them here.

If you or someone you know needs some extra support, visit our directory of national supports and services here.